Toddler Tantrums: 10 Things I Learned About Handling My Toddler’s Big Emotions

Toddler tantrums are something I knew would happen eventually. I had seen toddlers crying in shopping malls, refusing to leave playgrounds, lying on the floor and screaming over seemingly tiny things.

Then I became a mum to a toddler myself.

And suddenly, I understood.

Sometimes it starts because I said no. Sometimes she wants something but can’t quite tell me what she wants. Sometimes she’s tired, hungry or frustrated.

And sometimes?

I genuinely have no idea what happened. 😅

I’m still learning how to handle toddler tantrums, and I definitely don’t get it right every time. But experiencing these big emotions with my own child has changed the way I look at them.

Here are 10 things I’ve learned so far.

1. A Toddler Tantrum Isn’t Always About the Thing That Started It

One of the biggest things I’ve learned about toddler tantrums is that the trigger isn’t necessarily the whole problem.

The wrong snack might cause the crying.

But underneath that, my toddler might already be tired, hungry, overstimulated or frustrated.

I’ve learned to ask myself:

What happened before this?

Did she sleep enough?

Has she eaten?

Have we been outside for too long?

Has it been a particularly busy day?

Sometimes the “small thing” is simply the final straw.

2. Toddlers Have Big Feelings but Limited Words

This changed the way I see many of my toddler’s meltdowns.

As adults, we can say:

“I’m frustrated because you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you.”

A young toddler often can’t.

They know what they want. They know something feels wrong. But they may not have the vocabulary to explain it.

So instead?

They cry.

They scream.

They point.

They throw themselves backwards.

It can be exhausting, but remembering that communication is still developing helps me approach these moments differently.

3. Staying Calm Is Harder Than Telling Someone to Stay Calm

Before becoming a parent, “just stay calm” sounded like perfectly reasonable advice.

Now?

I understand how difficult that can actually be. 😂

When your toddler has been crying for what feels like forever and you’re tired too, staying calm requires a surprising amount of self-control.

I’ve learned that raising my own voice rarely makes the situation easier.

Sometimes I need to deliberately slow down before responding.

Not because I’m always perfectly patient, but because when both of us are overwhelmed, nobody is helping anybody.

4. I Don’t Need to Stop Every Tantrum Immediately

At first, I felt like I needed to make the crying stop.

Quickly.

Especially in public.

Everyone can hear.

Everyone can see.

And suddenly you feel like the entire shopping mall is evaluating your parenting skills.

But I’ve slowly realised that my job isn’t necessarily to make every uncomfortable emotion disappear.

Sometimes my toddler is simply upset.

And she’s allowed to be upset.

If she’s safe, I can stay nearby, acknowledge what’s happening and give her a little time.

I don’t always need to immediately distract, bargain or give her what she wants just to stop the crying.

5. Acknowledging Her Feelings Doesn’t Mean Saying Yes

This has probably been one of my most useful lessons.

I can understand why my toddler is upset without changing the boundary.

For example:

“I know you want to keep playing. You’re upset because it’s time to go home.”

That doesn’t mean we stay at the playground for another hour.

Or:

“I know you want that. You’re disappointed because Mummy said no.”

The answer can still be no.

I’ve learned that acknowledging her feelings and maintaining a boundary can happen at the same time.

6. Giving Small Choices Can Prevent Some Battles

Toddlers seem to love having some control over their little world.

So instead of asking:

“Do you want to get dressed?”

when getting dressed isn’t actually optional, I’ve found it more helpful to offer a small choice:

“Do you want the pink shirt or the yellow shirt?”

Or:

“Do you want to walk to the bathroom or should Mummy carry you?”

She still needs to do the thing.

But she gets some control over how it happens.

It doesn’t prevent every toddler tantrum, of course, but sometimes a tiny choice makes transitions much easier.

7. Transitions Can Be Surprisingly Difficult

Leaving the playground.

Turning off the TV.

Getting out of the bath.

Putting toys away.

Going home.

I’ve noticed that suddenly ending something enjoyable can be difficult for toddlers.

So where possible, I try to give a little warning.

“Five more minutes, then we’re going home.”

Then:

“One more time down the slide.”

It’s not magic.

There can absolutely still be tears after the final slide. 😅

But giving some warning seems to make the change feel less sudden.

8. Hunger and Tiredness Change Everything

There are parenting techniques…

And then there is trying to reason with an exhausted toddler who skipped her nap. 😂

I’ve learned to manage my expectations.

If my toddler is hungry, tired or overstimulated, that probably isn’t the best time for a long lesson about behaviour.

Sometimes the most useful solution is incredibly basic:

Food.

Water.

Rest.

A quieter environment.

Or going home.

Understanding the physical reason behind a meltdown has helped me avoid turning every difficult moment into a discipline issue.

9. Public Tantrums Feel Worse Because I’m Thinking About Everyone Else

Toddler tantrums at home are one thing.

Toddler tantrums in the middle of a restaurant or shopping mall?

Completely different experience.

I become much more conscious of people looking.

But I’ve learned to remind myself that my priority is my child and the situation in front of me — not whether a stranger thinks I’m handling it perfectly.

If we need to step outside for a while, we do.

If she needs time to settle, I try to give her that.

Most parents have probably been there themselves.

10. I’m Learning Alongside My Toddler

Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned from dealing with toddler tantrums is that emotional regulation isn’t something only toddlers are learning.

I’m learning too.

I’m learning patience.

I’m learning when to hold a boundary.

I’m learning when something isn’t worth turning into a battle.

I’m learning to recognise when my toddler has simply had enough.

And I’m learning that sometimes I’ll handle a situation really well…

while other times I’ll think later:

“Okay. I definitely could have handled that better.”

That’s parenting.

We learn, adjust and try again the next time.

What I Try to Do During a Toddler Tantrum

Every child and situation is different, but when my toddler is having a big meltdown, I generally try to keep things simple:

• Make sure she’s safe.
• Keep my own voice as calm as possible.
• Use short, simple sentences.
• Acknowledge what she’s feeling.
• Avoid explaining too much while she’s extremely upset.
• Hold the boundary when necessary.
• Give her some time.
• Reconnect once the big emotion has passed.

I’ve found that trying to teach or explain something in the middle of intense crying doesn’t always work.

Sometimes the conversation can wait until everyone is calmer.

What I’ve Stopped Expecting

I’ve stopped expecting myself to prevent every tantrum.

I’ve stopped expecting my toddler to behave like a tiny adult.

I’ve stopped believing every public meltdown means I’ve done something wrong.

And I’m trying to stop comparing how my child behaves with another child.

Toddlers are still learning how the world works.

And we’re still learning how to parent them.

When Toddler Tantrums Feel Like A Lot

Tantrums are common during toddlerhood, but parents should still trust their instincts if something about their child’s behaviour or development concerns them.

If tantrums are extremely intense, happen very frequently, involve your child regularly hurting themselves or others, or you’re concerned about their communication or development, consider discussing it with your child’s healthcare professional.

Sometimes having professional guidance can help you understand what’s happening and what support may be useful.

Frequently Asked Questions About Toddler Tantrums

At what age do toddler tantrums start?

Toddler tantrums often begin around 12–18 months, when children start to develop stronger opinions but still have limited language skills to express them.

How long do toddler tantrums usually last?

Most toddler tantrums last anywhere from a few minutes to around 20–30 minutes, depending on the child, the trigger, and how overwhelmed they are.

What is the best way to handle toddler tantrums?

There is no single “perfect” method, but many parents find it helpful to stay calm, acknowledge feelings, hold boundaries, and keep communication simple until the child settles.

Should I ignore a toddler tantrum?

It depends on the situation. It’s usually important to ignore the behaviour (like screaming or throwing) while still acknowledging the child’s feelings and ensuring they are safe.

Are toddler tantrums normal?

Yes — toddler tantrums are a normal part of emotional and brain development as children learn how to manage big feelings.

Final Thoughts From One Mum to Another

Toddler tantrums can be loud, exhausting, embarrassing and sometimes completely confusing.

But one thing I’m trying to remember is:

My toddler isn’t giving me a hard time. She’s having a hard time.

That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be boundaries.

It doesn’t mean I say yes to everything.

And it definitely doesn’t mean I handle every tantrum perfectly.

It simply reminds me that behind all that crying is a little person who is still learning what emotions are and what to do with them.

And while she’s learning how to handle her big emotions, I’m learning how to be the mum she needs through them.

We’re both still figuring it out. 💛

This article shares my personal parenting experience and is for general informational purposes. Every child develops differently. If you have concerns about your child’s behaviour, emotional development or wellbeing, speak with a qualified healthcare professional.

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